years & years

If you know me, you will know that I always have a journal on me at all times. In my Sophomore year of high school I realized that it was difficult for me to distinguish my days from one another. I didn’t want all of my days to blur into one, so I decided to keep a journal and write in it religiously, recording every thought and feeling I had throughout the day.

At the end of every year, I take a single line from each day and culminate them to create a poem depicting how my feelings, moods, and thoughts shift and grow through the year. In retrospect, I admit some parts are overly dramatic. I look back and think, “how could that have made me so upset for so long, how could I have cared so much?” But at the time, all of the feelings were real. Like every teenage girl, my world collapsed with every fight I had with my mom or every boy that didn’t ask me to school dances. This is glimpse of my life over the years and years.

2014.

I feel like 2014 is going to be a good year
I’m afraid to get too close to him because neither of us want commitment or feelings
Stop trying to be that person, stop fighting for his approval
He’s just using me for my body
I lost the innocence I never had
I can’t decide what he wants
I was just distant in every way possible
I am extremely attracted to people who leave me
It reminds me of how valuable time is
I know that I am not in love with him
Last call to take everything back
Don’t take this for granted
So I took one without thinking
How is it that easy for them to completely take me out of their lives
But I am trying to stay open minded
I am going to notice every moment
It was kinda just a hug
But what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her
And I guess thats life
Stop saying no to yourself and let other people say no for you
I am part of something so much larger than I can even imagine
I just wanted to escape
I realized there was so much more
He tears me apart with everything he says
Don’t get caught up in the world
Every day he becomes a bit more human
I feel less lonely these days
I feel like I need to sober up

2015.

I started the new year wonderfully
But it wasn’t that bad because I was with good friends
I am really excited
I think I am in love with his intelligence and his innocence
And I flashed the city
I am not prepared for whats next
Rejection hurts
People fall in and out of your life
He’s just really cute
He gives me butterflies
I am so conflicted with everything
She quit her job and is moving to Spain
He’s always stressed and bitter
And I don’t even know why we are fighting
They glare and whisper about how I drink too much
We are careless
Realizing that friends change and people change
I am glaring out the window and thinking about you
We are leaving something behind
I just need to get out honestly
Maybe he will put me first
I am trying to be forgiving
I feel like I am breaking so many bonds
I hope he’s well, I really do
There is no sense in worrying
I am so unbelievably happy
Separate your good from your bad
Be Here Now
There is simply too much going on in my head
Somewhere along the way we forgot what was important
The days seem to be going faster and faster
Life is so beautiful
You appreciate the existence of some people
I understand the appeal
The constant chatter of everyone
I move 100 miles per hour
I got to do some exploring
He went to the wild to be in the wild
The sun was shining and the mountains were beautiful
I took a shower and a nap
The view is great
Thats when I knew we were going to be best friends
It kinda seems like a hassle
I know he is trouble
Which could be fun and dangerous
Things might get wiggly
I am not sure how much he sees the sunshine
There's a reason I don’t get attached
My mind is disappointed at my body

2016.

I am thankful for everything that has happened that has made me grow
I feel like everything is beginning to make more sense
I feel like I am never allowed to be in a bad mood when I am with them
Class Tuesday got cancelled and A-Basin got 14″ of pow.
I am nervous for the amount of trouble I am going to get in
Today was a good day & I am starting to find my niche in Boulder
Then we cuddled & napped & it was really nice
He doesn’t talk to me like he used to & that might be because people grow apart
I took Emily skiing & even though we waited in traffic, we had a good time!
I went to a fairy-tulip festival, danced with toddlers & got a lot of vitamin D
& then went to bike night & went skinny dipping.
I think I failed calc today, but it’s alright because there are worse things.
Today is my last day of Freshman Year & it defeated me.
Life is really simple & we insist on making it complicated.
Tonight is my third night in my new apartment.
I called my brother which was nice.
Tonight the strangest thing happened to me
I am trying to be understanding but it is difficult.
I felt like I was leaving so much unsaid, or maybe not unsaid, just unfinished.
Come sit by my side if you love me
It was a place filled with love
I got a miraculous free taxi ride to Saint. Jean Pied e Port
Designated places of silence and peace
The Camino is getting better
I don’t need to forget anything, I need to ride the waves
The dynamics of everything in life is funny
Life becomes a Sunday afternoon
There’s no reason not to be happy.
I am very very tired today
The only love I’ve ever found
I could use a joint right now
I’m learning a lot these days
And I thought about how life changes & we go in and out of different phases in our lives & people come and go.
I am also staring to go to mass because I think it is a good way to be surrounded by love.
I thought a lot about the people who’s hearts are hurting
I learned how the love she believes in is the same love I believe in.
& I know I’ll meet new people & see the old when I get to Santiago
He is the type of boy I need to stay away from.
I learned today that we are all just kids still, and some people are just better at hiding it than others.
There is simply no use in holding onto something that is broken.
The sun was coming over the horizon and the clouds floated below the mountains like a sea.
She wants to get out but feels like she is trapped in the life she is living.
Then a girl came and got my sorry ass up and made me continue walking.
I wanted to change how I treated myself and how I constantly was allowing my heart to be broken.
But when I got to Santiago, something magical happened.
When we were in the store, he tried to kiss me, but I turned away.
We decided we were never going to see each other again because he is here and I am there, and the world is a big place.
I didn’t want to go, but it was time to leave.
I am really looking forward to seeing him.
He was sitting at a coffee shop waiting for me in his stripped long sleeve.
The thing is, we have to be together to be in love.
But then it all went away and things went back to normal.
Learning to be patient
Learning about the mind and the places it wanders
Wait. This is my life.
Leave what’s heavy behind
People are attracted to passionate people
Life is going pretty fast these days and I am constantly forgetting how to slow down
I don’t understand how I can learn so much in one day
Get me out of here.
The human body is beautiful
Everything I do is me, trying to escape.
Boredom, mostly insanity
Isolation & brought nature back into it
Feeling extremely uninspired
I want to drop everything and explore for a while
I didn’t realize it was New Years Eve.

2017.

I guess above all else, I just don’t know myself anymore
I was reminded how much I am similar to my mother
This week has been absolutely filling.
Feeling drained from school, study abroad applications, EWB & parents
I feel like I am a member of a team & like I am part of something.
I got onto the travel team for Peru!
Today was a meteor & I have to bask in the sunlight
Water is life ; water can kill you.
Alone we can go fast, together we can go far
Understanding the culture enough to find a gateway of entry
Cholera discriminates against the poor
Community was receptive & engaged
Who are we to say that they need to change how they live?
You need to understand the behavior of the community before you create technology
Is this going to be successful?
I am trying to watch my actions and what I say to learn about my personality
We are all on the same side, advocating for equality.
I am learning about how grateful I am for all of the women throughout history that have influenced my rights and allowed me to have the opportunities that I do now!
If Plan A doesn’t happen -> Plan B.
What is motivating you & why are you here?
Three days into my “twenties” and halfway done with my undergraduate.
Am I just a machine of society created and designed to produce other machines for society?
And his birthday is the same day as mine so I kissed him a lot.
I think my weakness is that I fall in love with every person I meet.
Life is really crazy these days but also really relaxing.
Be the one who love more deeply; be the one who forgives more easily.
Before we go to Huacapongo we are vacationing and goofing off
The last time I wrote I said I was feeling sick & by sick I meant hungover and vomit came out of my nose which was a very strange sensation
I feel like I do not offer as much to the team
I am excited to Huacapongo but I am also wondering what am I doing here?
I am really thirsty and eager to learn more about myself and the universe around me
Synchronicity
It is sometimes frustrating and a lot of hard work but I am learning a lot every day
The first part of the water system is in & we are almost halfway done with the water project.
There is so much genuine collaboration
We are just about finished with the Huacapongo Water Project and it feels good & accomplishing.
I think I need to turn my energy into giving rather than taking.
It’s hard for me to tell how this trip has changed my life, but I know it has.
I learned about LOVE and the people I found my mind drifting to when I thought about love & being in love.
Yesterday and today have been spent in much needed solidarity
All I wanted to do was to find a spot in the sunshine where I could read and be unnoticed
I have been thinking a lot about religion & god which is something I haven’t done in a while
It was beautiful beyond compare. there was a big pass and a beautiful laguna
It provided a unique perspective on this beautiful, amazing, delicate & gentle life we live
I left Colorado and drove up to Banff, Canada with my mom!
Really bright fluorescent green on the ground and a really deep forest green in the trees that tower above
I spent a majority of this morning questioning why Canada was so wt and so cold.
Today was a very clear and beautiful day of hiking through badger pass
But even cooler than that was seeing the world get so dark and then so light again
Today I did my first day of climbing outside and it is so much fun but also so scary!
It was such a good day and I am really happy
How do you measure well being and happiness?
When you change who is at the table, you change the table itself.
Finding order in the mess of disorder
Make sure the community is a part of your team
Putting yourself in a place where it is easier to be good
What makes development succesful?
Learn about Middle Eastern Culture
Attitudes towards cooperation, competition & conflict.
Today is the first time I have felt like I have best friends from college.
This week was stressful but beautiful in so many ways
Doing better than I was this time last year
Gratitude for life
Learning a lot about friendships and relationships with people
I have some really awesome and cool friends in my life and I am thankful to have them around.
I was thinking about how we are all going to graduate together and that makes me really excited!
Many hand jams and beautiful faces and slabs.
Yesterday we climbed a big rock that looked like an elephant and today we climbed some really pockety rocks
I am thankful for big rocks to climb and sunny days
Grad school? Peace Corps?
Last night I came home crying which isn’t something I do very often anymore.
A trust and awareness that doesn’t obsess over what’s next
Creating space & sharing space
I am so uncomfortable.